The Top Tip to Avoid Escalating an Argument: HALT!

Do you sometimes notice that, when you get irritated with a partner and try to discuss it, it spins out of control quickly and becomes a full-on argument? Here's a tip: before you say anything, HALT.

Check yourself! Are you:

• Hungry?
• Hunger can be physical or emotional. Physically, we all know we need to eat. Sometimes, we make the mistake of eating poorly- filling ourselves with food that doesn't actually nourish us. Make sure you're eating good, balanced meals. If you are physically hungry, stop and eat something before you do anything else. 
• Emotionally, you may feel some unmet need and not be able to identify it. Do you feel a lack of understanding? Appreciation? Validation? If the time is right, discuss that instead. 
• Angry?
• Anger is a perfectly normal reaction to situations we encounter in life. Often, we're angry about something even before we realize we're angry. If something a partner does sparks an angry reaction, stop and think about where the anger is coming from. Do you have an expectation of your partner that isn't being met? Are you carrying anger with you from another situation and bringing it into this one? Take the time to feel and examine your angry emotions, then let them go. You may find that anything that would have been worth arguing about goes away along with the anger.
• Lonely?
• We generally think of people feeling lonely when they are by themselves, but in reality you could feel lonely in any situation. You may feel lonely if your partner is preoccupied with other pursuits like watching sports, working long hours, or having all-consuming hobbies. If the time is right, discuss this with your partner. 
• You may feel lonely in a group of people you aren't comfortable with. Rather than isolating yourself and then lashing out, reach out and let the people who do understand you know about the situation. They can help you feel better or help you get away from it.  
• Tired?
• When you become physically, emotionally, or mentally drained, you actually lose full function in the cerebral cortex, the part of your brain that keeps you from acting on your impulses. Caffeine can keep you moving, but it won't improve your ability to make decisions. If you're feeling tired or worn out, stop. Get some rest if you need sleep. If you need to get your mind off some stressful event or a long work week, take a time out. Watch a favorite movie. Whatever helps you relax.

Although the HALT acronym is used often in addiction recovery, the fact is that if you are in any of these emotional states, you are more prone to any destructive behavior- including damaging your relationship with your partner. Don't let a small argument explode into a relationship-ender. Instead, before you do or say anything, practice taking the time to HALT.